Burn out

As the legendary Kurt Cobain said, "it is better to burn out than to fade away"...Yeah, although you would want to credit me for my extensive knowledge of rock music, I just got the informed of the line from Sugarfree when they wrote Burn Out and Fade Away for their 1st album. Anyway the full meaning of burn out in Kurt Cobain sense is not reflected in this entry so...

The word just popped into my mind last week and it unexpectedly brought in some thoughts that reflect my seemingly sudden shift in perspective as regards school work. It was again reinforced during my conversation alone with Roxy (a rare event) when she mentioned the word too, although it's not in the same context as i was thinking.

As plainly as I can put it, I feel like I'm burned out. I felt that I've exhausted all that I can for the past four and a half years in college (let me just say that I don't do bad as a student). I won't say that I'm too diligent before, but it's just that my perspective towards school before was always fueled by a sense of thirst for learning (how nerdy that sounds) in such a way that I don't damn the fact that we have 26 units every semester (although in moments of weakness I do) and I have to do extra work for my scholarship. As of now my whole perspective has changed--I just want to do the thesis to get it all over with, no more than that.

I attribute it to the fact that: I don't have to maintain any grade anymore to retain my scholarship and there's nothing that I can do (except not pass the thesis at all) that will deprive me of that cum laude. As simplistic as that sounds, i just realized that all this "thirst" boils down to just meeting the grade. Hence, my current frame of mind is settled on doing a thesis that will pass and get me to graduate on time, that's it. The essence of Opus Dei is wasted on me in this case, hehe. No trying to get Best Thesis, no attempting to kick-ass in my presentation, no dreaming of impressing my panel. Even the noble intention of doing a thesis, i.e. Using research as a means of improving welfare, is lost as of the moment. I just want to get it over with, graduate, take some time off, get a job, and enjoy living with me supporting myself.

I don't know how long will this perspective last...who knows, i might get a lengthy bashing from my thesis advisor about my lack of focus and will therefore give me this consuming desire to make the best thesis ever written on this earth, or at least in this school (highly doubt it, btw). Depressing blog entry haha, back to doing my rrl again..

OT: Speaking of Kurt Cobain, i saw a biography of him yesterday at Powerbooks...looks interesting, kaso mahal, haha. Sana walang plastic para nasilip ko man lang.